Tom Brady RETIRES!

It's is finally official, the overrated LOAT is finally FINALLY gone!

No more of the one guy whose existence did more to trash my NFL fandom than any other figure ever could.

I see there was some talk about him not thanking anybody from the Patriots in his retirement statement. But, nice guy that I am, I am going to offer up a bunch of thanks on his behalf, to the people who really helped Brady along the way.

So, on behalf of The LOAT, thank you to...

To whoever thought up the Tuck Rule to begin with, and then also the officials who wrongly interpreted the rule to overturn the clear fumble in his 1st playoff game.

To Drew Bledsoe and the Patriots special teams and defense for winning him his 1st AFC title.

To the Patriots defense for carrying him to his 1st ring, and Mike Martz for being completely outcoached in that game. Also to the officials who decided not to call Brady for a blatant intentional grounding on the final drive, and ruling J.R. Redmond out of bounds when he wasn't.

To John Kasay for kicking the ball out of bounds at the end of super bowl 38, setting Brady up for an easy, short field goal drive.

To the Steelers for completely imploding in all facets in the 2004 AFC Championship game. 

To Donovan McNabb for getting sick late in Super Bowl 39 and taking forever on the 2nd to last drive, burning off all the clock.

To Marlon McCree for fumbling back the game clinching interception in the 2006 divisional playoff. 

To the Raiders for trading Randy Moss to the Patriots for nothing.

To Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson for getting hurt before the 2007 AFC title game, making it possible for Tom to walk to 18-0 despite throwing 3 picks.

To Lee Evans for dropping a game winning touchdown in the 2011 AFC title game, and to Billy Cundiff for shanking the chip shot tying field goal immediately after.

To the rest of the AFC East for providing Tom with 6 generally cupcake games every year, thus guaranteeing not just division titles but also byes and home field.

To the AFC in the 2010s becoming so bad that the Patriots got not just byes but also easy divisional games against teams like the Texans and the Tim Tebow Broncos. In Brady's last 13 seasons in New England he only had to play 3 road playoff games. 

To Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson, for combining to run the single worst play call in the history of the Super Bowl, handing Brady his 4th ring and first in a decade.

To Dan Quinn, Kyle Shanahan, Matt Ryan, and all the rest of the Atlanta Falcons for allowing 28-3 to happen.

To the Jacksonville Jaguars for remembering who they were just in time in the 2017 AFC title game. 

To Dee Ford for lining up offsides for absolutely no reason on the would have been game ending pick Brady threw in the 2018 AFC title game.

To Sean McVay and Jared Goff for scoring 3 whole points in Super Bowl 53, allowing Brady to win his 6th ring in a game he only led his own offense to 13 points.

To the NFL for orchestrating the entire 2020 NFL season, from the free agent signing itself to the NFC title game when they let the officials not call defensive holding the entire game until the very last play that would ensure a Tampa win.

To his trainer Alex Guerrero for supplying him all that HGH, causing him to have more arm strength at 44 than at 24, which is of course a normal biological thing and in no way assisted through illegal means. 

To Roger Goodell for destroying all the Spygate tapes for no reason, and for directing the league to always give Brady and his teams favorable calls whenever they needed them. 

And to the national sports media, for beating the drum for 20 years that anything that a Brady team accomplished in those 20 years was due entirely to him and him alone. No other factors ever factored in. And when a Brady team lost, they made sure that no blame could ever land on him. 

Tom truly could not have done it without you.