2023 NFL Predictions

Okay...is it safe? 

We are days away from the 2023 season beginning, and that wretched piece of shit Tom Brady is still retired. It might be over, finally, after 20+ years of bullshit. So this looks to be the first season since 2000 that that asshole won't ruin (well, except for the wonderful 2008).

Speaking of 2008, in that season a legendary Packers QB left and played for the Jets. Wonder if that scenario might come up again.🤔

Gotta start with the Vikings. I might do an expanded Vikings preview, but in a macro sense I think the Vikings are once again the clear favorites in the north, no matter how much the media still insists on labeling their entire 2022 as fraudulent (it wasn't, sorry) or hyping up the Lions as the second coming of the Bill Walsh 49ers (they're not, sorry). Brian Flores was the hire of the offseason, and while I am not expecting him to literally work miracles in 1 season, he cannot possibly do a worse job than Ed Donatell (who, surprise, didn't take another job). And the Vikings offense, with a full season of Hockenson, potential instant star Addison, and a super motivated Cousins in a walk year, could be the best we have seen here since 1998.

It's a myth that the schedule on paper is SO much tougher than last year, but I don't expect 13 wins again. I do expect 10-7, and if Flores can work some magic that could go higher.

Elsewhere in the north, while I don't buy the Lions hype at all, I do think they can at least contend for a wild card in a wide open NFC. 

I would like to say I have no doubts Jordan Love will suck, but honestly I think he will be decent. Not HOF level, but kind of like when the 49ers went from Montana to Young, and then to Jeff Garcia, a solid QB but not a star. 

I also don't quite think the Bears will be bottom feeders. Justin Fields is not going to pull a Hurts, but as a runner he IS a nasty weapon.

Now onto the other divisions, where I hopefully don't screw up as I did last year thinking Trey Lance could lead the 49ers to the super bowl (😨) or that the Russell Wilson Broncos dethrone the Chiefs (😱).

NFC:

In the east, we have the Eagles, who pretty much rolled all last year. But, the super bowl loser curse has nailed better teams. Plus they lost both coordinators.

I kind of think Dallas might jump over them. I know, I know, Dallas always ends up worse than expected. But I mean, they knocked Brady into retirement and were in it at San Francisco a week after. 

The Giants were a year early in their rebuild, and ended our own hopes. But that was Donatell. Their blowout loss to the Eagles was more indicative. I think they'll contend for a wild card again though.

Washington begins the post-Snyder era with Sam Howell at QB. Yeah they're a last place team. 

The south is a mess. You can forget about Tampa Bay, cause they only won 8 last year with the golden boy, and you know damn well the league is done helping them out with timely flags. Carolina will be breaking in Bryce Young sooner than later, but don't expect to see Adam Thielen's new squad in the playoffs.

It's really between the Saints and Falcons. The Saints added Derek Carr, not that he got the Raiders over the hump much. Atlanta is still breaking in Desmond Ridder, but they do have kind of a nice roster surrounding him. I'll say Ridder advances enough to get the Falcons in.

The west seems to still run through the bay, although the 49ers handing it over to Brock Purdy is still a huge gamble despite him having some nice games last year. But Bosa is a holdout, and that team can't be without its defensive superstar for long. Still this team just chugs along and will probably repeat.

Seattle was probably 2022's most shockingly good team. The Rams were the most shockingly bad team. If Stafford is back healthy, I could see them flip-flopping, although I wonder if Sean McVay even cares anymore. Once your coach starts talking about early retirement I wonder.

Arizona, well, they appear to be engaged in the most blatant and deliberate tanking quest in NFL history. Hope it doesn't work out.

AFC:

All eyes on the east, but not because of the best team. Look, Buffalo bowed out weakly in the playoffs, but I'm not off them at all. I think being talked about less can only help them. Just stop showing the god damn Josh Allen Sunday ticket ad already!

I think Miami takes 2nd. If Tua can be healthy they still have an excellent roster (they were in the playoff game late with a 3rd stringer). 

Jets? Yeah, sorry, since the day Aaron Rodgers was traded I said he was gonna do just like Favre did and finish 3rd. He can pretend to be all friendly on Hard Knocks all he wants, but we know that the moment there is any adversity he will only look to throw teammates under the bus. And he wasn't even good last year. 2007 Favre was better than 2022 Rodgers. They can probably still contend, but in a packed AFC they may indeed miss the playoffs. 

Can't see the Patriots doing much. Belichick will hang around a few more years to pass Shula, but that's about it. 

My one truly out there pick is in the north. I have the Pittsburgh Steelers winning it. I am a Kenny Pickett believer. And year two jump from him and a good roster gets it done. 

Also surprising is the Ravens in 2nd. The Lamar Jackson contract drama is in the rear view, and if he stays healthy they'll be a playoff team.

I got the Bengals falling to 3rd, despite the Burrow bullshit. I just think this will be a decline year.

Cleveland in last with a full year of Mr. Massage. They'll probably pull a few upsets, but will miss the playoffs and might cost Kevin Stefanski his job. 

No chickening out this year. I'm picking Jacksonville in the south, although it will be far less surprising this time. Not ready to put them up there as a super bowl contender, but they can take down a weak division.

Only challenger is Tennessee, but it feels like that whole Vrabel/Tannehill/Henry era is at an end.

Then there are the Colts and Texans. Both with rookie HCs and eventually rookie QBs. Colts also have the Jonathan Taylor drama to sort out. 

 

In the west, yeah, I'm not picking against the Chiefs again. They still have the greatest player on the planet, tons of talent, and the motivation to get title #3, which REALLY separates the truly great teams. 

The Chargers playoff failure will have them under a lot of pressure. Brandon Staley needs to win now. Will be curious how Eric Kendricks does. 

I have no idea on Denver. Sean Payton has never won shit w/o cheating, but is this really what Russell Wilson is now? Him bouncing back alone can bring the Broncos to the playoffs.

Vegas goes with Jimmy Garappolo as they try desperately to play a home super bowl.

So my NFC playoff field is Vikings, Cowboys, Falcons, 49ers, and wild cards Eagles, Rams and Giants. 

AFC is Bills, Steelers, Jaguars, Chiefs, and wild cards Ravens, Dolphins and Bengals.

For the super bowl, look, I'd love to pick the Vikings, but the defense is too much of an unknown, and after 2018 I kind of vowed to never pick them again. I'm just going to pick Dallas in the interest of novelty.

In the AFC, the Chiefs are a no brainer. Well, except nobody repeats. Well, if anyone COULD repeat it's probably them. But I'm going to be stubborn and go all in again on Buffalo. They've had to endure some more near misses, but they still have all the pieces. 

Buffalo vs Dallas, and the Bills avenge 2 of their 4 super bowl losses with their first ever win.