September movie reviews

In theaters:

THE EQUALIZER 3

This threequel is frankly just as disappointing as the sequel was. We are here to watch Denzel kick ass. But in a 2 hour slog of a film we only really get about 3 such sequences; one is a flashback and one is in almost total darkness. Denzel is.always great, but this is such a nothing film, with a dull story and complete non-entity villains. I'm ready for this franchise to be done. 

THE HILL

A true story of a kid with a degenerative spinal disease who dreams of playing major league baseball. I didn't really know going in that this was a religious film, and boy does that stuff get pushed hard in the first half of the film. But the 2nd half is much more about the baseball and it is pretty decent. 

A HAUNTING IN VENICE

The newest and least of the Kenneth Branagh Hercule Poirot films. This one takes the form of a sort of Gothic horror movie, which Branagh doesn't quite pull off. Wasn't too into the mystery either. Cast is okay but no real standouts. 

DUMB MONEY

This is the movie I wished The Big Short was. Both deal with true stories involving the stock market, and I will never be able to understand how this stuff works. This movie though manages to entertain more, with a very fun ensemble and a lot of energy. Top marks in the cast go to Paul Dano and America Ferrera. 

IT LIVES INSIDE

A pretty generic evil spirit movie. The only novel twist is that the main character is an Indian girl (the gorgeous Megan Suri from Never Have I Ever). It's competently made but never elevates. 

EXPEND4BLES

Well, here's your worst movie of 2023.

The first 3 Expendable movies were not anything great. They were all kind of in that 2 1/2 star range, serviceable but never memorable. I'll remember this one though, and not just for the annoying way they do the title.

This is astonishingly poor filmmaking, on a budget that somehow was $100 million despite showcasing some of the most embarrassingly bad special effects I have ever seen. Sharknado movies have had better fx work than some of what is on screen here. The money certainly didn't go to the cast, which here largely abandons the concept of bringing in old action stars. Sylvester Stallone is killed off early in the film (only to be ludicrously revealed as still alive at the end because sure why not). This is mostly a Jason Statham vehicle, and he's always got a baseline watchability, even if this movie offers him nothing to do. Unfortunately the movie gives a sizable role to Megan Fox, who remains a thoroughly loathsome presence. Nobody else in the cast gets a chance to do anything, not even The Raid's Iko Uwais.

The writing is a waste of time, with nary a single good quip. The plot is so useless that nobody could possibly be invested. And the action is just a bunch of generic shootouts and fights, much of it backed by greenscreen that is so bad you almost think it's purposely bad.

It's amazing something this shoddy made it into theaters. 

Everything else: 

RIVER WILD

I'm still not totally sure if this was meant to be a remake of the old Meryl Streep thriller. Both involve a lot of river rafting. The casting here is a little kooky, since Adam Brody has to try to kill his actual wife Leighton Meester. And the presence of Taran Killam makes this a strange Single Parents reunion. The film itself is very mediocre. 

BACHELOR PARTY

Other than the amusement of seeing a very early Tom Hanks doing such a lowbrow, zany comedy, I really didn't find all that much out of this movie. I've seen way funnier comedies from this era.